Today I sit in silence, drinking a cup of coffee, allowing my heart to feel heavy over news of the loss of a friend. 

This friend was a lovely, kind woman and she has a loving husband and two beautiful, sweet girls. She was always so kind to me and Christopher and she never appeared to be anything but joyous. 

Christ healed her today and she was brought into eternal life. 

I cried heavily when it was confirmed that she had passed. While I was not very close with her, she was still a sister in Christ and she shared in the suffering that my husband endured before he was called to eternal life. I’m also heartbroken for her husband as he now shares in my suffering of such a loss. It hurts me so much to know he must feel the pain now too. 

I was reflecting earlier and realized how much my heart has changed since I’ve endured the loss of my Christopher. While I was an empathetic person before, I believe sharing in sufferings opens a door to a whole new level of empathy and compassion. This thought has become another answer to my ‘why?’ prayers to God when I was beginning my journey through grief. 

“Why did this have to happen? Why to me? Why to Chris? Why did you choose us?”

In this process, I’ve learned that God doesn’t always heal through medicine and miracles, but death itself thanks to the resurrection of Christ, can serve as a way of healing too. I have learned that there must be a higher and a lower present in order for us to know gratitude for the higher, and sometimes, we are chosen to serve as the lower. And now, I have learned that God may choose us to endure certain sufferings so that we may serve as direct support to others who may need advice and complete understanding. 
I am in a place where I have rationalized my loss and accepted our fate. I have moved forward, worked through my grief, and have come out the other side of the tunnel ready to be present for others who are at the beginning of the tunnel. I will love my husband for all eternity and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, and now I am able to know that and confidently hold on to that as I continue on and make plans for and thrive in this earthly life. Therefore, I can stand here now with an open heart for others to observe and be able to function as a pillar of strength for those who may need it. The beginning of the tunnel is very dark. It is dark, cold, and the air is so heavy that it weighs down on one’s chest, making it difficult to breath. But, it’s a tunnel, not a hole (so long as we don’t allow it to become a hole) and now that I have made it to the other side, I can shine a light back down its path as a beacon of hope for others. 

I believe Christopher and I are a different kind of team now. We can work together, one on this side and one on the other, for the sake of other beings who are enduring the same suffering. I pray we can be of great service to those in need and fulfill our calling to honor God. 

Happy birthday, sister. As I was relieved for my husband, I am relieved for you too. Please join Christopher in prayers for us as we continue our paths here.