I am lonely.
That may sound a bit silly to the people who know me. I am surrounded by people all the time. I am currently living with my parents and sisters as I figure out how to get on my two feet again and I have good friends in my church community and in/out of state. Through the eyes of an observer, there should be no way I could be lonely. But I am. Perhaps it is a different kind of lonely though.
Like I mentioned before, Chris and I were dissolved into each other. We blended together in love, thus we were whole in a new way, together. When you lose a spouse, the pieces of you that blended into that person go too and it feels like one must live on broken, missing some pieces, like an amputee in a metaphorical sense.
I was sitting alone for lunch yesterday at a sushi restaurant. As I sat there and sipped my green tea, I observed my surroundings and realized how out of place I feel in the world now. Before Chris, I was perfectly comfortable to eat at a restaurant or catch a movie alone. Now, it just feels wrong.
I was whole before I met my husband, but I became whole in a completely new way with him and I have now lost those pieces that were dissolved into him as I lost him.
I miss him so much. I miss his commentary. I miss the gallons of knowledge that would ooze out of him uncontrollably. I miss his touch and being able to reach out across the table to hold his hand. I miss his support and understanding. I miss running home to him, eager to tell him what I was excited about. I miss turning to him in sadness. He was my person. All of that is lost now and I am a bit lost too.
But like an amputee, one must muster the courage to move forward in a new condition. I must find my figurative prosthetic and learn to walk my life in a different way. It won’t be anything comparable to the completeness I felt with my husband, but I pray I can move forward with strength.
Of course I am speaking for myself, but I am sure other widow/widowers feel this way too. The type of solitude that one feels from the loss of a spouse is what feels to be of the highest magnitude. I am thankful for the support of the friends and family surrounding me, but the only person I want is the person I can’t have. My other half is missing now and life feels so off balance. I hope I can find balance again. I don’t know if the loneliness in missing a spouse ever really goes away. But, like the stretch of my soul trying to reach Chris who is now a bit further away, perhaps the pain of loneliness will lessen a little with practice as I strengthen the parts of me that are still here. Only with God, though. Only with God.